Next weekend is going to be fucking fantastic! I am going to L.A. and not only see Pirates III, but am going to the Star Wars 30th Anniversary Celebration. We're spending Saturday and Sunday at the convention, which is going to be great.

I just found out today that I'm going. That, along with the news that Derek got into the school he wanted for junior high, is making this the Best. Day. Ever.

I am bursting with excitement and happiness today!

Good thing I'm home with just Julia because I'm annoyingly happy and quite slappable (is that even a word?) at the moment.

Yay!!

I'm about to start my 5th week of being back in school, and have mixed feelings as whether I've gotten in over my head or am just a little behind and can catch up. I'm taking 14 units, which is way more than I've ever attempted before. Also, because I'm going into nursing, I have to have a "B" average for these classes, so there is little room for screwing up. I'm just going to have to get my ass in gear and get it done.

This semester I'm taking:

Medical Terminology
Chemistry
Human Lifespan Development
Nutrition

Medical Terminology and Chemistry are the two kicking my ass right now. It's been forever since I had a math class and it shows. Dave has been very helpful, but he's moving down to L.A. probably by next weekend, so my live-in tutor will be gone soon.

The good news is that despite the setbacks, this is the first time in a very long time that I have had any confidence in school. In the past there were too many distractions. This time I have a very light work schedule, and a house that remains fairly quiet so I can study, and a partner who does more than pay lip-service in encouraging and supporting me.

I never thought I'd write in a LJ, but here I am. The account was created just to post in Natasha's journal, but I have all this crap swirling around in my head and figured this is as good a place as any to try to get it out.

This last year has been fucking crazy. Erik and I finally got the divorce that was imminent. There have been some pretty rough adjustments made during this year, but as of right now I'm doing a whole lot better with all of it. I'm finding I am really so happy and relieved to not be married. It's such a huge pain in the ass. I know it can be rewarding and blah blah blah, but I quite frankly do not want to deal with it again anytime soon. I got into my relationship with Erik when I was barely 19, so he was my entire adult life up until recently.

I'm starting school next week...again. I'm 37 years old and have had a very hard time focusing on school and being able to get anywhere with my education. I am scared about it because I feel like if I fuck it up this time, that this is it. I HAVE to succeed. Without an education my earning potential is not great. I get a very small amount of child support so I have to find a way to take care of the kids myself financially.

It's going to be a hell of a challenge. I'm going for nursing and I have 3 semesters of prerequisites before I even start the program. It's all chemistry and biology (of course) and I'm scared I'm going to suck. I have to finish the prerequisites with a 3.0 GPA before I can even apply to the nursing program and then they only accept about 40 or so students out of about 400 that apply. There are some other ways to get into a program, but as you can see it's going to be hard. I'm scared to death this isn't going to happen and soon I'll be 40 with no future.

What I want is to have a good home for the kids to be in, and be able to pursue something that I can actually achieve. I want to be able to afford to send the kids to college when they are older. Derek is starting jr. high next year, and with me just getting into school myself, I really need to get my ass in gear if I want to do that for him. I want to be a good example for them. I want to make something of myself.

I'm also very worried about Derek's health. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but 4 years ago Derek was very ill. He had a strep infection that went to his kidneys, which caused a horrible chain reaction that resulted in him having fluid in and around his lungs, kidneys not working properly, and near heart failure. He spent a month in the Children's Hospital in Oakland, and it was a frightening experience. They thought he had recovered 100%, but we just found out before Christmas that he's having problems again. He'd been getting ill a lot, having headaches and vomiting once in a while. I thought it may have been psychological. The kid has been through a lot this last year. I wanted to be sure there was nothing physically wrong with him so I took him to the doctor. Turns out he had blood pressure of 160/120. The doctor told me to get him to the emergency room that day so he could get in to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist) right away. If we simply called and made an appointment it would have taken weeks. In a nutshell they couldn't find anything wrong when they did blood and urine tests. They put him on blood pressure medication and we've had a ecco cardiogram done and will soon have an ultrasound done on his kidneys. they know it's his kidneys doing this, but they don't know why. I'm so worried about this poor kid. He's not quite 12 yet and has been through so much physically. I just want him to be okay.

I'm worried that although I really need to be pushing myself full force into school that maybe I should be working full force on getting Derek healthy. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do other than keep his sodium intake low and make sure he takes his medication, but I'm his mom and I feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING.